Apprehension: A One-Act Play

(The scene takes place in a family’s living room. A couch is in the center of the room, where Gary, a rather large man wearing a filthy tank-top is sitting at, clutching a beer can. He is watching a horror movie on the television set, and loud “monster movie” sounds are heard, such as a woman screaming, bones breaking, etc. The room is not necessarily dirty, but cluttered. Books, magazines, etc, are spread across the coffee table, along with empty cans, potato chip bags, and various other food wrappers. A staircase leading upstairs is visible.)

Brooklyn:
(She enters, preoccupied with her nerves, and doesn’t notice her father on the couch. Nor does she seem to hear the disgusting sounds coming from the television set.) Let’s see…Snuffles is outside, Cinnamon is sleeping on the porch, Poof-Ball is locked in the upstairs bathroom…Whiffles is….Whiffles? Kitty? Kitty cat where are you? You know you can’t stay in the living room…Collin’s allergic….Ah. Now I remember. Whiffles is getting fixed at the vet….Thank God, it’s about time. 36 new kittens running around the neighborhood within just a year. That cat hasn’t been bored lately, that’s for sure.

Gary:
(Loud, chainsaw noises, or other horror movie attributes are heard, and Gary cheers for the villain) Alright! You tell ‘em buddy! Nobody had the right to mess with ‘ya, and they’re paying the price now! Aren’t they?! (Under his breath) Damn crazy kids…too ignorant these days…what the hell did they THINK would happen if they provoked a man with a chainsaw? Serves ‘em right…Teach ‘em a lesson, that’s what I say….They’ll think TWICE before pulling a stunt like THAT again, Ha Ha!

Brooklyn:
Dad…Collin will be here in about an hour….Dad? Come on…Dad? (Annoyed, she marches to the television and turns it off.) DAD!

Gary:
BLOODY…I WAS WATCHING THAT!

Brooklyn:
DAD…Collin will be here in about an hour. Remember? Is that how you want to look?

Gary:
Excuuuuuuuuuuuuuse me? (Looking down at his stained tank top and sweat pants.) What’s wrong with—?

Brooklyn:
You’re joking. Right? (She only receives a blank stare from Gary as a response) Dad, that’s the 6th time in a ROW this week that you’ve worn that! It’s disgusting! Look…you have food all over it! A starving nation could live for weeks off of the remains of just your shirt alone!

Gary:
My shirt is fine! You girls and all, changing your clothes 9 thousand times each day…Trying to push your way of life on us men….I prefer to get the best use out of MY clothes. It’s not dirty until you can smell it, or it starts moving on its own. That’s the motto I live by…

Brooklyn:
Please change before Collin gets here…won’t you Daddy? He’s already nervous and all meeting you for the first time. Looking like that, what kind of impression do you think you’ll give him?

Gary:
I don’t give a damn what impression he has of me. It’s my house, and I have the right to look anyway I want to…

Brooklyn:
(Seeing she’s fighting a losing battle, gives up) Alright. Fine. See if I care. (She marches up the stairs)

Gary:
(To himself, almost pleased that he won) That’s right. It’s my house, I can look how I want, and, well, practically do ANYTHING I want. (Pause) I don’t have to change myself for some loser guy who’s coming over… (Pause) I don’t have to change clothes for a jerk who’s trying to viciously steal my baby away from me….(Pause) Or try to impress someone who’s trying to manipulate my Brookie’s affection….(Pause, then slamming his hand down on the coffee table) I DON’T HAVE TO LOOK PRESENTABLE FOR A MORON WHO’S TRYING TO RUIN MY LIFE!!! BROOKLYN! BROOKLYN COME DOWN HERE!

Brooklyn:
(Appearing at the top of the stairs) Dad? What? What’s wrong?

Gary:
Honey…(Obviously trying to appear calm and rational, patting the seat by the couch beside him) Let’s have a quick talk; You and I.

Brooklyn:
(Confused) Is everything alright? (She comes down the stairs and sits next to her father)

Gary:
Now Honey, you know that I just want you to be happy. You know I want you to feel accepted, loved, and wanted….but you feel that already. Here; with your family. I know we’ve all been a little busy with our lives lately, so I understand if you don’t think that you’re loved enough. I
understand if you feel that you have to find love and affection elsewhere; and I can accept the fact that you have the desire to desert your family to achieve this somewhat lusty emotion. With all that said, I’ll let you go up to your room, and ponder the words that I’ve transferred to you from deep down in my soul. If this is what you really want, to strike a dagger of pain through your loving family’s hearts…then so be it. But ONLY if it makes you happy. That’s all I care about. Remember that.

Brooklyn:
(Somewhat amused) You’re…jealous, aren’t you Dad?

Gary:
(Extremely uncomfortable) No…

Brooklyn:
You ARE! You really are! Look, you’re blushing! (Placing her hand on top of his.) Dad, you know I love you. You’ll always have a special place with me always. No man is EVER going to take your place in my life. But I’ve known Collin for 5 years, and am truly in love with him. I’m not rushing into things. I really enjoy his company, and feel like he’s… the ONE.

Gary:
You’re too young.

Brooklyn:
I’m 4 years older than you were when you and Mom got together. Please Daddy. No man has ever meant this much to me….Ever. (Gary shifts uncomfortably) Except for you…of course. (She stands up to leave, and kisses the top of his head.) Collin won’t be here for at least another hour. You’ll really like him Daddy, I know you will. I have to stop down by the store to grab some groceries for tonight’s dinner. Mom was going to earlier, but she called not too long ago and she’s stuck in ANOTHER meeting again at work. I want to prepare something really nice for all of us so it’s special. I’ll be about 20 minutes tops. (She begins to exit out the front door) And before I go…change your shirt. It stinks to high heaven. You broke your own rule. (She exits)
(Gary seems unsure of what to do now he is left alone in the house. He tries watching television, reading a magazine, etc. but it all seems for awkward for him. The television is left on its horror movie program. After a short while, the doorbell rings. )

Gary:
(Startled) Who’s? Whuh? That can’t be…naw. That can’t be Collin… Not already! He’s not supposed to be here for a while yet! (Horror movie suspense music can still be heard from the television. Very suspiciously and cautiously, almost “Mission Impossible-like,” Gary approaches the door and peers out the peephole.) Huh. No one there…Except…if he’s hiding…trying to go for an ambush…Well I’ll prove him wrong. I’ll be ready. He’s already won over my daughter…deceiving snake…but he won’t take me with him! (He grabs a baseball bat from the closet, places his hand on the doorknob, and swings it open, ready for an attack. A small girl scout is scene at the door wearing a huge smile, and carrying a bag of cookies is waiting on the door.)

Girl Scout:
Hello Sir, My name is Mindy, and I’m selling cookies for—AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! (She bolts from the steps screaming hysterically)


Gary:
(Shutting the door) Bloody Girl Scout…trying to give a man a heart attack….No respect for her elders…if she knows what’s good for her she’ll stay away from MY house next time. I’m not giving her any money to support her camping…hiking…drug habits…or whatever the hell it is she ends up spending it on…

(Loud screaming now comes from the television, startling Gary, who grabs the remote to turn it off. Something catches his eye, and he cocks his head to one side, wanders over to the couch, and begins to watch again. Shortly, there is a knock at the door. Fuming, Gary storms over to the door, still holding the bat, and flings the door open.)

Gary:
(Waving the bat) LISTEN! I’M NOT INTERESTED IN YOUR DAMN COOKIES! DIDN’T YOU GET THE HINT THE FIRST TIME?! DIDN’T YOU?! YOU DRUG-ADDICTED LITTLE DEMON!!!!

(Collin is standing at the front doorstep, wide-eyed. Both stand there for a moment, staring at one another awkwardly.)

Collin:
(Extending his hand) Good evening…uh…sir. My name is Collin. I’m Brooklyn’s….fiancé. My plane arrived sooner than I thought. It’s a…pleasure…to meet you?

(Gary still continues his awkward stare, then abruptly slams the door shut in Collin’s face.)
Gary:
No…it can’t be! He’s…early? What is that supposed to mean?! What tricks does he have up his sleeve? Showing up an hour early…is he trying to prove he’s…BETTER than me? Is he trying to show me that he’ll show up whenever he damn well FEELS like it, and that I’m not the man and mighty ruler of my OWN house? I’ll show him…I’ll show him that I won’t stand for his…his…mutiny.

(Gary opens the door a crack, and stares out at Collin. Slowly, very slowly, he begins to open the door, making a loud creak.)

Collin:
Sir? I apologize if I’ve got the wrong home…I was sure I had the address right. (He double-checks a slip of paper he has with him)

Gary:
Come on boy…get in here.

Collin:
Do I have the right—?

Gary:
GET IN HERE BOY! I DON’T HAVE TIME TO STAND AND WAIT FOR YOU FOR WHENEVER YOU FEEL LIKE GRACING ME WITH YOUR PRESENCE IN MY OWN HOME!

Collin:
Sir, if it’s a bad time…I’m not quite sure if I—

Gary:
FINE. (Again, he slams the door.) So he’s playing defense…is he? Trying to put on a cute and innocent act to begin his attack…Well I’ll show him that I won’t fall for his Bambi-eyed tactics. If he wants a war…I’ll give it to him. Trying to outwit me…Ha Ha. Right. (Opens the door. Collin isn’t there. Gary shouts to Collin who is not seen.) Boy? Boy! BOY!!! Yeah. That’s right. You! Are you a COMPLETE idiot? Do you….YOU’RE THE ONLY ONE ON THE STREET! OF COURSE I’M TALKING TO YOU! …So you check behind you. Real bright. You’re off to a good start boy. A reeeeal good start. Yeah. I’m Brooklyn’s father. You gonna come in now? Yeah. That’s right. Take your time. Just mosey on over. According to you, I don’t have a life; and whatever life I do have is meant to be wasted…huh? Just come on….Wait…NO! STOP! WAIT! DON’T STEP ON—!!!!! OH NOOOOOOOO! (A high-pitched cat wail is heard, amongst cries from Gary: “Noooo! Snuffles! DAMMIT COLLIN!” Collin stumbles into view, his pant leg has a huge gash in it from Snuffles.)

Collin:
(Gasping, and clutching his leg) Sir…I’m sorry! It was just sleeping on the lawn! I didn’t see—

(Gary pushes past the bloody Collin and run into the yard. He is heard from offstage, amongst crying cat wails)

Gary:
Did that mean ol’ lunkhead step all over you? Did he? Yes, I know. Shhh. Shhhhh. You’re alright now. Daddy’s got you. Just calm down. You’re alright now. I’ll protect you. I’ll protect you from the evil cat crusher…that’s right. (More baby talk. Gary re-enters with a limp figure in his arms. It’s Snuffles. Not moving. At first, we are unsure if it is even alive, but its paw twitches slightly. Gary takes it down the hall, giving Collin a glare as he passes by, nursing the limp figure against his chest. He goes into a room, and comes back without Snuffles. Gary, glaring at Collin, takes his place on the couch, looking him over.)
You get kicks out of hurting things that are smaller than you…don’t ya? A nice change…huh?

Collin:
Sir, I apologize. I honestly didn’t see it! You were yelling at me, and I just…sorta…walked right into it.

Gary:
Uh-huh. More of trampled it.
(Still looking him over)

Collin:
Do you mind if I use your restroom? I seem to be bleeding pretty bad.

Gary:
(Coming over to “inspect”) Eh. It’s not too bad. (Menacingly, almost threateningly) One time, I broke a man’s jaw clean off his face. Blood spurted for miles.

(Collin doesn’t know what to say.)

Gary:
Well? Aren’t you gonna ask why I did it?

Collin:
Did what?

Gary:
Mutilated the man….go on. Ask!

Collin:
(Uneasy) Alright…uh…Why did you plow a man’s jaw off?

Gary:
(After a pause with his eyes narrowed) He tried to kill one of my cats.

Collin:
(Quickly) Uh, sir? Really, is there a bathroom nearby that I can just hurry into? I’m just gonna…uh, clean this up. If that’s alright with you….uh…sir

Gary:
(Pause. Eyes still narrowed) Down to hall, to your left

(Collin uneasily limps past Gary, and down the hall. Gary kneels down to examine the spot where Collin was standing)

Gary:
Blood. All over my carpet. Inconsiderate whiner! Almost kills Snuffles, vandalizes my home, and then asks to use my facilities? He’s slowly trying to take over alright…trying to make his mark…trying to establish the new leader of this house. Well, it’s not going to work. Not while I’m still alive…(Gary is still muttering as he begins to exit upstairs.) Wuss boy…thinks he can take over? Psh…Whiners never win….I’ll show him who rules here….
(There is a pause as we watch Gary retreat upstairs, unsure of his motives. Shortly after, the door down the hall opens, and Collin timidly steps out. His shin bandaged.)

Collin:
Sir? I hope you don’t mind…but I used some of your bandages. It wasn’t that big of a cut, but it was deep. Suppose I deserved it though…huh? (Laughs uneasily at himself) Are you still here? Sir?

Gary:
(From upstairs) I’m changing! I got something on my shirt…I think it’s some dirt that YOU dragged in the house. Thanks a lot. This was my favorite outfit too…I’ll be down in just a minute. DON’T touch anything.

(Collin uneasily makes his way to the couch. Sitting for a while, he picks up the television remote and turns it on. Blasting screaming noise shoot through the entire house. Terrified, he hurries and clicks it off)

Gary:
(Still from upstairs) Collin? What the HELL are you doing down there?!?! Can’t you just follow directions for five seconds? That’s it. I’m coming down. I’m almost done.

(The telephone rings, and Collin tenses up, wide-eyed. He lets it ring, afraid to touch anything. After several rings, Gary is heard from the top of the stairs.)

Gary:
Well Boy?! Are you going to get that? Or are you just going to prove I’m right by being 100% COMPLETELY worthless?!

(Collin begins to stand up to get it, but by the time he does, the answering machine has started)

Gary:
Let the machine get it now…

(Brooklyn’s voice is heard on the recorder, and Collin moves to grab the phone anyway. Gary, who seems to have eyes everywhere, calls out again.)

Gary:
I SAID LEAVE IT!

Brooklyn:
Hey Dad, It’s Brooklyn. I’m just calling to say that things are pretty crazy here at the store. I’ve got everything I needed, but there’s only one cashier, and five bazillion people in line. (We hear Brooklyn calling out to the line) Is there anyway we can hurry it up a little bit? I have things to do! Ah crap. You don’t have to get rid of your entire penny collection at this store!!! Bloody… (She gets back on the phone.) I’ll be home soon. Collin should be there within the next half hour…nothing will be done. I wish Mom would’ve let me know that she wouldn’t have been able to get anything sooner…this is going to be so chaotic…I’ll see you soon. Bye. (Again, we hear her calling out to the customers.) Are you serious?! THIS IS AN EXPRESS LANE!!! No, 5 cans of the same thing do not count as one item…are you completely brainless?! That’s it. I’m moving in front of all you losers. You don’t even DESERVE a place in line. What?! You think attacking me with that bread loaf is going to do anything? Well look at this….FROZEN STEAK! THAT’S RIGHT! THIS IS GOING TO HURT YOU A LOT MORE THAN YOUR BREAD WILL HURT ME… DIE YOU SON OF A—(The answering machine clicks off)

(Gary starts coming down the stairs. He is dressed completely different from when we’ve last seen him. He’s wearing dark shades, a “Bad to the Bone” T-Shirt, black leather jacket, and black leather pants. Collin is stunned.)

Gary:
I just thought I’d slip into something more comfortable after you ruined my other set of clothes. This is what I usually wear. I mean…what WE usually wear…in my big, buff-man biker group. We call ourselves the…uh….ummm….uh

Collin:
The what?

Gary:
I mean…the biker group….uh…the one that I’m in…we call ourselves, the… (really struggling now) We call ourselves…the...Big…Muscley…Biker…Buff Man…Group. (Pause. Then he adds) Of the World.

Collin:
(Slowly) Big…Muscley…

Gary:
(Cutting him off) I don’t expect you to understand it. Not many folk do. It’s more symbolism. Er..more of a spiritual name than anything else. (Collin begins to scratch at his leg) …Of the great…biker…uh….gods. What’s wrong boy?! Stop it! You’re getting dead skin cells all over my floor. Stop it!

Collin:
I’m so sorry…it’s…I thought Brooklyn would have told you…I’m allergic to cats. I think some hair got on my leg…it’s just really irritating.

Gary:
You just keep having to complain…don’t you?! You keep having to have problems with everything in my home…is that right?

Collin:
No….I….

Gary:
You go around, Mr. Bigshot, stealing my daughter. Fine. You come into my home, and bleed all over my floor. Fine. But you insult my Kitties? The TRUE loves of my life?! YOU CROSSED A LINE BOY!!!

Collin:
I’m sorry, I didn’t mean anything by it. No, I love this intense rash gnawing on my leg. It actually sort of…tickles.

Gary:
(Glaring) Alright then.

(They sit in uncomfortable silence for a while. Each fidgeting in turn.)

Collin:
So…uh…how many cats DO you have? I saw quite a few out on the lawn. They all yours?

Gary:
Yeah.

Collin:
Huh. That’s why I missed the one I stepped on. I was trying to avoid 6 others.

Gary:
Is this your idea of a conversation starter? Or are you a blameshifter? Are you blameshifting?! ARE YOU PUTTING YOUR OWN STUPID LOW-QUALITY LOCOMOTION SKILLS ON MY SHOULDERS?!

Collin:
No, no. I assure you, it was a conversation starter. (Silence) How many exactly DO you have?

Gary:
13

Collin:
Wow. Are you…serious? That’s insane.

Gary:
Yeah, I would have liked to have more, but Dawn put a limit on it after rats started showin’ up everywhere without their heads. After she found one on her pillow late at night, she drew the line.
(Pause)
Yep. Got them back in the day when I was still livin’ alone. A bachelor. Didn’t need no one else but my kitties. They were the first loves of my life. Still are. While other men my age were goin’ out on dates, heading to parties, and getting drunk, I would stay at home… (His tone grows softer) All I needed was a piece of string and my cats. The way they would bat at it…the way they would nestle against my shoulder when I feel asleep…the way they trusted me so…(He stops short)Ahem. Course, back in the day, cats were very manly…..umm…the number of cats you had showed off how…uh…manly you were. Manly…I was pretty tough to beat back then. I had my Muscle-Man Biker Group of the World, and a whole lot-a cats. I was the equivalent to a Greek GOD back in my day. Oh yeah. The memories. The manly memories. Let me get some of my favorites…

Collin:
Of your cats? Sir…I apologize, but I’m so allergic to your animals, that I really would opt NOT to see them. (Gary can only glare at Collin) Fine. I’ll see them. I’d like to see them. (More glares) Alright, I’d LOVE to see them.

Gary:
(Almost like an excited schoolboy) You and I might get along better than I thought boy….Wait here…Just a sec…(Gary gets up, and searches the rooms of the house, still calling over to Collin) Brooklyn locked ‘em all away for when you came. ‘Didn’t want ya catching a reaction’ she said…Psh. What do girls know…huh? (Collin smiles weakly as Gary opens a basement door.) Ah. Here’s one…This here’s Carnivore. He’s never been the friendly type…but I’m sure you and he will hit it right off…Come here! Collin, he’s not the one to come out and greet strangers….you have to make at least some SORT of effort. Come here!

(Collin slowly gets up, and joins Gary at the closet door, of which we can only see a black opening.)

Collin:
Sir, this isn’t the best idea…I don’t get along with cats….

Gary:
Ah come on…Carnivore wouldn’t hurt a fly. See? There he is. In that corner…by the stair rail. Do you see him? See his eyes glowin’ at ya? That means he likes you. Go on. Pet his fur. I ain’t gonna turn on no lights. It’ll scare him.

(Collin slowly enters the black closet with a pained look on his face. We hear a violent hissing. Gary shouts: “No Collin! Don’t step there! That’s his tail! DAMMIT COLLIN!!!” A bloodcurdling scream is heard along with the scratching, hissing, and yowling of the cat. The sound of a body thumping down a long flight of stairs is heard. Silence. Gary runs from the closet, shutting the door, resting his back against it breathing heavy. He crosses over, and for a moment we think he’s going to call an ambulance. But he passes the phone, and flops down on the couch. He casually flips on the television with a slight grin on his face. Horror movie sounds fill the room. Moments later, Brooklyn storms in through the door, covered in food from a recent “fight.” She runs past Gary into the kitchen.)

Brooklyn:
Dad, you haven’t heard from Collin have you? Is he here?

Gary:
No. Uh..he hasn’t shown up yet. Maybe his flight was delayed?

Brooklyn:
Yeah. Maybe. At least that’ll give me time to get this started.

Gary:
(His eyes transfixed on his horror movie) Yes, Mr. Chainsaw Man. I know now too, the sweet, sweet taste of victory. I know how you’re feeling right now. Like you, I’ve won.