When one first thinks of the Holidays, millions of thoughts flood their mind as sugar plums, snow, pine-tree smells, and eggnog dance across their eyes. And who could forget the favorite candy cane treat? However, I have a slightly different take on this sugary food that is association with Christmas. For some reason, I can never suck on a candy cane without drawing blood. Apparently my poor, fragile tongue is too sensitive for it, and it always manages to cut me. I never learn, and each year I end up with several burning wounds in my mouth, and grow increasingly pessimistic.
Why is such a dangerous item associated with holiday spirit and joy?
I have seen many a child sharpen their candy cane to a brutal sharp point and stab others.
Something just doesn't seem quite right here...
Wednesday, December 5, 2007
Tuesday, December 4, 2007
What the HELL is Your Problem?!
Well, there is never a day that goes by that I don't get myself into some sort of trouble.
Just the other day I created a conflict that shot a jolt of fear into my heart...and I thought I almost died.
Josh, my sister Monica, and I were going to meet Naylie in the mall. Everything went well except for the occassional rage outbursts I had towards stupid loser Utah drivers who DRIVE 5 @#$!&*#!@$%*!@#!$#&*^$#$@#!$ MILES AN HOUR IN THE PASSING LANE!!!
I tend to have road rage quite a bit, but it is always targeted toward the people who deserve it.
Anyway, we finally make it down skyline, past the Denny's and movie theatre, and we're waiting for a green light.
We're the first car to be stopped at the light, and eventually a line of cars begin to form behind us.
For fun, I tell Josh and Monica that I'm going to look at the people next to me until they get uncomfortable ( I had time, that light lasts FOREVER)
I tried...but they would NEVER look over. So I "Slipped," and honked on the horn.
They looked over, and I dead-fish gazed back (I'm such a loser)They just smiled, and waved, and then pretty much all of us in the car started waving back.
Then I started being obnoxious. I pretended like my car horn got stuck (It happened once before) and so my horn just kept blasting.
Now that I look back, I realize how dumb and annoying I was. If anybody else at that light started doing that, I'd probably be pissed.
But that's not the point.
The point is, this angry old man in the lane next to me swung open his car door. Josh had his window down, and for a split second it looked like the angry old man was going to dive in our car, and kill me.
We all freaked out:
"No, I'm sorry...my horn got stuck, I'll fix it when I get home....Ooops."
But he didn't hear us. He had stormed out of his car, and ran up to the car BEHIND us.
"What the hell is your problem?!?! What the #@$%&!@&*#@!$#?!?!?!?!"
The poor lady behind us had her mouth wide open in shock.
Just as he started to turn around, the light turned green, and we sped and squealed off into the distance...terrified.
When he first jumped out of the car, I thought he was some law enforcement officer because he had some logo on his shirt. I don't know WHO he was. All I could think about is the absurdity of the situation.
We all thought that he almost tried to kill us.But he was pissed at the car behind us because his hearing aid wasn't working probably.
Geez. That was awkward.
Just the other day I created a conflict that shot a jolt of fear into my heart...and I thought I almost died.
Josh, my sister Monica, and I were going to meet Naylie in the mall. Everything went well except for the occassional rage outbursts I had towards stupid loser Utah drivers who DRIVE 5 @#$!&*#!@$%*!@#!$#&*^$#$@#!$ MILES AN HOUR IN THE PASSING LANE!!!
I tend to have road rage quite a bit, but it is always targeted toward the people who deserve it.
Anyway, we finally make it down skyline, past the Denny's and movie theatre, and we're waiting for a green light.
We're the first car to be stopped at the light, and eventually a line of cars begin to form behind us.
For fun, I tell Josh and Monica that I'm going to look at the people next to me until they get uncomfortable ( I had time, that light lasts FOREVER)
I tried...but they would NEVER look over. So I "Slipped," and honked on the horn.
They looked over, and I dead-fish gazed back (I'm such a loser)They just smiled, and waved, and then pretty much all of us in the car started waving back.
Then I started being obnoxious. I pretended like my car horn got stuck (It happened once before) and so my horn just kept blasting.
Now that I look back, I realize how dumb and annoying I was. If anybody else at that light started doing that, I'd probably be pissed.
But that's not the point.
The point is, this angry old man in the lane next to me swung open his car door. Josh had his window down, and for a split second it looked like the angry old man was going to dive in our car, and kill me.
We all freaked out:
"No, I'm sorry...my horn got stuck, I'll fix it when I get home....Ooops."
But he didn't hear us. He had stormed out of his car, and ran up to the car BEHIND us.
"What the hell is your problem?!?! What the #@$%&!@&*#@!$#?!?!?!?!"
The poor lady behind us had her mouth wide open in shock.
Just as he started to turn around, the light turned green, and we sped and squealed off into the distance...terrified.
When he first jumped out of the car, I thought he was some law enforcement officer because he had some logo on his shirt. I don't know WHO he was. All I could think about is the absurdity of the situation.
We all thought that he almost tried to kill us.But he was pissed at the car behind us because his hearing aid wasn't working probably.
Geez. That was awkward.
Apprehension: A One-Act Play
(The scene takes place in a family’s living room. A couch is in the center of the room, where Gary, a rather large man wearing a filthy tank-top is sitting at, clutching a beer can. He is watching a horror movie on the television set, and loud “monster movie” sounds are heard, such as a woman screaming, bones breaking, etc. The room is not necessarily dirty, but cluttered. Books, magazines, etc, are spread across the coffee table, along with empty cans, potato chip bags, and various other food wrappers. A staircase leading upstairs is visible.)
Brooklyn:
(She enters, preoccupied with her nerves, and doesn’t notice her father on the couch. Nor does she seem to hear the disgusting sounds coming from the television set.) Let’s see…Snuffles is outside, Cinnamon is sleeping on the porch, Poof-Ball is locked in the upstairs bathroom…Whiffles is….Whiffles? Kitty? Kitty cat where are you? You know you can’t stay in the living room…Collin’s allergic….Ah. Now I remember. Whiffles is getting fixed at the vet….Thank God, it’s about time. 36 new kittens running around the neighborhood within just a year. That cat hasn’t been bored lately, that’s for sure.
Gary:
(Loud, chainsaw noises, or other horror movie attributes are heard, and Gary cheers for the villain) Alright! You tell ‘em buddy! Nobody had the right to mess with ‘ya, and they’re paying the price now! Aren’t they?! (Under his breath) Damn crazy kids…too ignorant these days…what the hell did they THINK would happen if they provoked a man with a chainsaw? Serves ‘em right…Teach ‘em a lesson, that’s what I say….They’ll think TWICE before pulling a stunt like THAT again, Ha Ha!
Brooklyn:
Dad…Collin will be here in about an hour….Dad? Come on…Dad? (Annoyed, she marches to the television and turns it off.) DAD!
Gary:
BLOODY…I WAS WATCHING THAT!
Brooklyn:
DAD…Collin will be here in about an hour. Remember? Is that how you want to look?
Gary:
Excuuuuuuuuuuuuuse me? (Looking down at his stained tank top and sweat pants.) What’s wrong with—?
Brooklyn:
You’re joking. Right? (She only receives a blank stare from Gary as a response) Dad, that’s the 6th time in a ROW this week that you’ve worn that! It’s disgusting! Look…you have food all over it! A starving nation could live for weeks off of the remains of just your shirt alone!
Gary:
My shirt is fine! You girls and all, changing your clothes 9 thousand times each day…Trying to push your way of life on us men….I prefer to get the best use out of MY clothes. It’s not dirty until you can smell it, or it starts moving on its own. That’s the motto I live by…
Brooklyn:
Please change before Collin gets here…won’t you Daddy? He’s already nervous and all meeting you for the first time. Looking like that, what kind of impression do you think you’ll give him?
Gary:
I don’t give a damn what impression he has of me. It’s my house, and I have the right to look anyway I want to…
Brooklyn:
(Seeing she’s fighting a losing battle, gives up) Alright. Fine. See if I care. (She marches up the stairs)
Gary:
(To himself, almost pleased that he won) That’s right. It’s my house, I can look how I want, and, well, practically do ANYTHING I want. (Pause) I don’t have to change myself for some loser guy who’s coming over… (Pause) I don’t have to change clothes for a jerk who’s trying to viciously steal my baby away from me….(Pause) Or try to impress someone who’s trying to manipulate my Brookie’s affection….(Pause, then slamming his hand down on the coffee table) I DON’T HAVE TO LOOK PRESENTABLE FOR A MORON WHO’S TRYING TO RUIN MY LIFE!!! BROOKLYN! BROOKLYN COME DOWN HERE!
Brooklyn:
(Appearing at the top of the stairs) Dad? What? What’s wrong?
Gary:
Honey…(Obviously trying to appear calm and rational, patting the seat by the couch beside him) Let’s have a quick talk; You and I.
Brooklyn:
(Confused) Is everything alright? (She comes down the stairs and sits next to her father)
Gary:
Now Honey, you know that I just want you to be happy. You know I want you to feel accepted, loved, and wanted….but you feel that already. Here; with your family. I know we’ve all been a little busy with our lives lately, so I understand if you don’t think that you’re loved enough. I
understand if you feel that you have to find love and affection elsewhere; and I can accept the fact that you have the desire to desert your family to achieve this somewhat lusty emotion. With all that said, I’ll let you go up to your room, and ponder the words that I’ve transferred to you from deep down in my soul. If this is what you really want, to strike a dagger of pain through your loving family’s hearts…then so be it. But ONLY if it makes you happy. That’s all I care about. Remember that.
Brooklyn:
(Somewhat amused) You’re…jealous, aren’t you Dad?
Gary:
(Extremely uncomfortable) No…
Brooklyn:
You ARE! You really are! Look, you’re blushing! (Placing her hand on top of his.) Dad, you know I love you. You’ll always have a special place with me always. No man is EVER going to take your place in my life. But I’ve known Collin for 5 years, and am truly in love with him. I’m not rushing into things. I really enjoy his company, and feel like he’s… the ONE.
Gary:
You’re too young.
Brooklyn:
I’m 4 years older than you were when you and Mom got together. Please Daddy. No man has ever meant this much to me….Ever. (Gary shifts uncomfortably) Except for you…of course. (She stands up to leave, and kisses the top of his head.) Collin won’t be here for at least another hour. You’ll really like him Daddy, I know you will. I have to stop down by the store to grab some groceries for tonight’s dinner. Mom was going to earlier, but she called not too long ago and she’s stuck in ANOTHER meeting again at work. I want to prepare something really nice for all of us so it’s special. I’ll be about 20 minutes tops. (She begins to exit out the front door) And before I go…change your shirt. It stinks to high heaven. You broke your own rule. (She exits)
(Gary seems unsure of what to do now he is left alone in the house. He tries watching television, reading a magazine, etc. but it all seems for awkward for him. The television is left on its horror movie program. After a short while, the doorbell rings. )
Gary:
(Startled) Who’s? Whuh? That can’t be…naw. That can’t be Collin… Not already! He’s not supposed to be here for a while yet! (Horror movie suspense music can still be heard from the television. Very suspiciously and cautiously, almost “Mission Impossible-like,” Gary approaches the door and peers out the peephole.) Huh. No one there…Except…if he’s hiding…trying to go for an ambush…Well I’ll prove him wrong. I’ll be ready. He’s already won over my daughter…deceiving snake…but he won’t take me with him! (He grabs a baseball bat from the closet, places his hand on the doorknob, and swings it open, ready for an attack. A small girl scout is scene at the door wearing a huge smile, and carrying a bag of cookies is waiting on the door.)
Girl Scout:
Hello Sir, My name is Mindy, and I’m selling cookies for—AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! (She bolts from the steps screaming hysterically)
Gary:
(Shutting the door) Bloody Girl Scout…trying to give a man a heart attack….No respect for her elders…if she knows what’s good for her she’ll stay away from MY house next time. I’m not giving her any money to support her camping…hiking…drug habits…or whatever the hell it is she ends up spending it on…
(Loud screaming now comes from the television, startling Gary, who grabs the remote to turn it off. Something catches his eye, and he cocks his head to one side, wanders over to the couch, and begins to watch again. Shortly, there is a knock at the door. Fuming, Gary storms over to the door, still holding the bat, and flings the door open.)
Gary:
(Waving the bat) LISTEN! I’M NOT INTERESTED IN YOUR DAMN COOKIES! DIDN’T YOU GET THE HINT THE FIRST TIME?! DIDN’T YOU?! YOU DRUG-ADDICTED LITTLE DEMON!!!!
(Collin is standing at the front doorstep, wide-eyed. Both stand there for a moment, staring at one another awkwardly.)
Collin:
(Extending his hand) Good evening…uh…sir. My name is Collin. I’m Brooklyn’s….fiancé. My plane arrived sooner than I thought. It’s a…pleasure…to meet you?
(Gary still continues his awkward stare, then abruptly slams the door shut in Collin’s face.)
Gary:
No…it can’t be! He’s…early? What is that supposed to mean?! What tricks does he have up his sleeve? Showing up an hour early…is he trying to prove he’s…BETTER than me? Is he trying to show me that he’ll show up whenever he damn well FEELS like it, and that I’m not the man and mighty ruler of my OWN house? I’ll show him…I’ll show him that I won’t stand for his…his…mutiny.
(Gary opens the door a crack, and stares out at Collin. Slowly, very slowly, he begins to open the door, making a loud creak.)
Collin:
Sir? I apologize if I’ve got the wrong home…I was sure I had the address right. (He double-checks a slip of paper he has with him)
Gary:
Come on boy…get in here.
Collin:
Do I have the right—?
Gary:
GET IN HERE BOY! I DON’T HAVE TIME TO STAND AND WAIT FOR YOU FOR WHENEVER YOU FEEL LIKE GRACING ME WITH YOUR PRESENCE IN MY OWN HOME!
Collin:
Sir, if it’s a bad time…I’m not quite sure if I—
Gary:
FINE. (Again, he slams the door.) So he’s playing defense…is he? Trying to put on a cute and innocent act to begin his attack…Well I’ll show him that I won’t fall for his Bambi-eyed tactics. If he wants a war…I’ll give it to him. Trying to outwit me…Ha Ha. Right. (Opens the door. Collin isn’t there. Gary shouts to Collin who is not seen.) Boy? Boy! BOY!!! Yeah. That’s right. You! Are you a COMPLETE idiot? Do you….YOU’RE THE ONLY ONE ON THE STREET! OF COURSE I’M TALKING TO YOU! …So you check behind you. Real bright. You’re off to a good start boy. A reeeeal good start. Yeah. I’m Brooklyn’s father. You gonna come in now? Yeah. That’s right. Take your time. Just mosey on over. According to you, I don’t have a life; and whatever life I do have is meant to be wasted…huh? Just come on….Wait…NO! STOP! WAIT! DON’T STEP ON—!!!!! OH NOOOOOOOO! (A high-pitched cat wail is heard, amongst cries from Gary: “Noooo! Snuffles! DAMMIT COLLIN!” Collin stumbles into view, his pant leg has a huge gash in it from Snuffles.)
Collin:
(Gasping, and clutching his leg) Sir…I’m sorry! It was just sleeping on the lawn! I didn’t see—
(Gary pushes past the bloody Collin and run into the yard. He is heard from offstage, amongst crying cat wails)
Gary:
Did that mean ol’ lunkhead step all over you? Did he? Yes, I know. Shhh. Shhhhh. You’re alright now. Daddy’s got you. Just calm down. You’re alright now. I’ll protect you. I’ll protect you from the evil cat crusher…that’s right. (More baby talk. Gary re-enters with a limp figure in his arms. It’s Snuffles. Not moving. At first, we are unsure if it is even alive, but its paw twitches slightly. Gary takes it down the hall, giving Collin a glare as he passes by, nursing the limp figure against his chest. He goes into a room, and comes back without Snuffles. Gary, glaring at Collin, takes his place on the couch, looking him over.)
You get kicks out of hurting things that are smaller than you…don’t ya? A nice change…huh?
Collin:
Sir, I apologize. I honestly didn’t see it! You were yelling at me, and I just…sorta…walked right into it.
Gary:
Uh-huh. More of trampled it.
(Still looking him over)
Collin:
Do you mind if I use your restroom? I seem to be bleeding pretty bad.
Gary:
(Coming over to “inspect”) Eh. It’s not too bad. (Menacingly, almost threateningly) One time, I broke a man’s jaw clean off his face. Blood spurted for miles.
(Collin doesn’t know what to say.)
Gary:
Well? Aren’t you gonna ask why I did it?
Collin:
Did what?
Gary:
Mutilated the man….go on. Ask!
Collin:
(Uneasy) Alright…uh…Why did you plow a man’s jaw off?
Gary:
(After a pause with his eyes narrowed) He tried to kill one of my cats.
Collin:
(Quickly) Uh, sir? Really, is there a bathroom nearby that I can just hurry into? I’m just gonna…uh, clean this up. If that’s alright with you….uh…sir
Gary:
(Pause. Eyes still narrowed) Down to hall, to your left
(Collin uneasily limps past Gary, and down the hall. Gary kneels down to examine the spot where Collin was standing)
Gary:
Blood. All over my carpet. Inconsiderate whiner! Almost kills Snuffles, vandalizes my home, and then asks to use my facilities? He’s slowly trying to take over alright…trying to make his mark…trying to establish the new leader of this house. Well, it’s not going to work. Not while I’m still alive…(Gary is still muttering as he begins to exit upstairs.) Wuss boy…thinks he can take over? Psh…Whiners never win….I’ll show him who rules here….
(There is a pause as we watch Gary retreat upstairs, unsure of his motives. Shortly after, the door down the hall opens, and Collin timidly steps out. His shin bandaged.)
Collin:
Sir? I hope you don’t mind…but I used some of your bandages. It wasn’t that big of a cut, but it was deep. Suppose I deserved it though…huh? (Laughs uneasily at himself) Are you still here? Sir?
Gary:
(From upstairs) I’m changing! I got something on my shirt…I think it’s some dirt that YOU dragged in the house. Thanks a lot. This was my favorite outfit too…I’ll be down in just a minute. DON’T touch anything.
(Collin uneasily makes his way to the couch. Sitting for a while, he picks up the television remote and turns it on. Blasting screaming noise shoot through the entire house. Terrified, he hurries and clicks it off)
Gary:
(Still from upstairs) Collin? What the HELL are you doing down there?!?! Can’t you just follow directions for five seconds? That’s it. I’m coming down. I’m almost done.
(The telephone rings, and Collin tenses up, wide-eyed. He lets it ring, afraid to touch anything. After several rings, Gary is heard from the top of the stairs.)
Gary:
Well Boy?! Are you going to get that? Or are you just going to prove I’m right by being 100% COMPLETELY worthless?!
(Collin begins to stand up to get it, but by the time he does, the answering machine has started)
Gary:
Let the machine get it now…
(Brooklyn’s voice is heard on the recorder, and Collin moves to grab the phone anyway. Gary, who seems to have eyes everywhere, calls out again.)
Gary:
I SAID LEAVE IT!
Brooklyn:
Hey Dad, It’s Brooklyn. I’m just calling to say that things are pretty crazy here at the store. I’ve got everything I needed, but there’s only one cashier, and five bazillion people in line. (We hear Brooklyn calling out to the line) Is there anyway we can hurry it up a little bit? I have things to do! Ah crap. You don’t have to get rid of your entire penny collection at this store!!! Bloody… (She gets back on the phone.) I’ll be home soon. Collin should be there within the next half hour…nothing will be done. I wish Mom would’ve let me know that she wouldn’t have been able to get anything sooner…this is going to be so chaotic…I’ll see you soon. Bye. (Again, we hear her calling out to the customers.) Are you serious?! THIS IS AN EXPRESS LANE!!! No, 5 cans of the same thing do not count as one item…are you completely brainless?! That’s it. I’m moving in front of all you losers. You don’t even DESERVE a place in line. What?! You think attacking me with that bread loaf is going to do anything? Well look at this….FROZEN STEAK! THAT’S RIGHT! THIS IS GOING TO HURT YOU A LOT MORE THAN YOUR BREAD WILL HURT ME… DIE YOU SON OF A—(The answering machine clicks off)
(Gary starts coming down the stairs. He is dressed completely different from when we’ve last seen him. He’s wearing dark shades, a “Bad to the Bone” T-Shirt, black leather jacket, and black leather pants. Collin is stunned.)
Gary:
I just thought I’d slip into something more comfortable after you ruined my other set of clothes. This is what I usually wear. I mean…what WE usually wear…in my big, buff-man biker group. We call ourselves the…uh….ummm….uh
Collin:
The what?
Gary:
I mean…the biker group….uh…the one that I’m in…we call ourselves, the… (really struggling now) We call ourselves…the...Big…Muscley…Biker…Buff Man…Group. (Pause. Then he adds) Of the World.
Collin:
(Slowly) Big…Muscley…
Gary:
(Cutting him off) I don’t expect you to understand it. Not many folk do. It’s more symbolism. Er..more of a spiritual name than anything else. (Collin begins to scratch at his leg) …Of the great…biker…uh….gods. What’s wrong boy?! Stop it! You’re getting dead skin cells all over my floor. Stop it!
Collin:
I’m so sorry…it’s…I thought Brooklyn would have told you…I’m allergic to cats. I think some hair got on my leg…it’s just really irritating.
Gary:
You just keep having to complain…don’t you?! You keep having to have problems with everything in my home…is that right?
Collin:
No….I….
Gary:
You go around, Mr. Bigshot, stealing my daughter. Fine. You come into my home, and bleed all over my floor. Fine. But you insult my Kitties? The TRUE loves of my life?! YOU CROSSED A LINE BOY!!!
Collin:
I’m sorry, I didn’t mean anything by it. No, I love this intense rash gnawing on my leg. It actually sort of…tickles.
Gary:
(Glaring) Alright then.
(They sit in uncomfortable silence for a while. Each fidgeting in turn.)
Collin:
So…uh…how many cats DO you have? I saw quite a few out on the lawn. They all yours?
Gary:
Yeah.
Collin:
Huh. That’s why I missed the one I stepped on. I was trying to avoid 6 others.
Gary:
Is this your idea of a conversation starter? Or are you a blameshifter? Are you blameshifting?! ARE YOU PUTTING YOUR OWN STUPID LOW-QUALITY LOCOMOTION SKILLS ON MY SHOULDERS?!
Collin:
No, no. I assure you, it was a conversation starter. (Silence) How many exactly DO you have?
Gary:
13
Collin:
Wow. Are you…serious? That’s insane.
Gary:
Yeah, I would have liked to have more, but Dawn put a limit on it after rats started showin’ up everywhere without their heads. After she found one on her pillow late at night, she drew the line.
(Pause)
Yep. Got them back in the day when I was still livin’ alone. A bachelor. Didn’t need no one else but my kitties. They were the first loves of my life. Still are. While other men my age were goin’ out on dates, heading to parties, and getting drunk, I would stay at home… (His tone grows softer) All I needed was a piece of string and my cats. The way they would bat at it…the way they would nestle against my shoulder when I feel asleep…the way they trusted me so…(He stops short)Ahem. Course, back in the day, cats were very manly…..umm…the number of cats you had showed off how…uh…manly you were. Manly…I was pretty tough to beat back then. I had my Muscle-Man Biker Group of the World, and a whole lot-a cats. I was the equivalent to a Greek GOD back in my day. Oh yeah. The memories. The manly memories. Let me get some of my favorites…
Collin:
Of your cats? Sir…I apologize, but I’m so allergic to your animals, that I really would opt NOT to see them. (Gary can only glare at Collin) Fine. I’ll see them. I’d like to see them. (More glares) Alright, I’d LOVE to see them.
Gary:
(Almost like an excited schoolboy) You and I might get along better than I thought boy….Wait here…Just a sec…(Gary gets up, and searches the rooms of the house, still calling over to Collin) Brooklyn locked ‘em all away for when you came. ‘Didn’t want ya catching a reaction’ she said…Psh. What do girls know…huh? (Collin smiles weakly as Gary opens a basement door.) Ah. Here’s one…This here’s Carnivore. He’s never been the friendly type…but I’m sure you and he will hit it right off…Come here! Collin, he’s not the one to come out and greet strangers….you have to make at least some SORT of effort. Come here!
(Collin slowly gets up, and joins Gary at the closet door, of which we can only see a black opening.)
Collin:
Sir, this isn’t the best idea…I don’t get along with cats….
Gary:
Ah come on…Carnivore wouldn’t hurt a fly. See? There he is. In that corner…by the stair rail. Do you see him? See his eyes glowin’ at ya? That means he likes you. Go on. Pet his fur. I ain’t gonna turn on no lights. It’ll scare him.
(Collin slowly enters the black closet with a pained look on his face. We hear a violent hissing. Gary shouts: “No Collin! Don’t step there! That’s his tail! DAMMIT COLLIN!!!” A bloodcurdling scream is heard along with the scratching, hissing, and yowling of the cat. The sound of a body thumping down a long flight of stairs is heard. Silence. Gary runs from the closet, shutting the door, resting his back against it breathing heavy. He crosses over, and for a moment we think he’s going to call an ambulance. But he passes the phone, and flops down on the couch. He casually flips on the television with a slight grin on his face. Horror movie sounds fill the room. Moments later, Brooklyn storms in through the door, covered in food from a recent “fight.” She runs past Gary into the kitchen.)
Brooklyn:
Dad, you haven’t heard from Collin have you? Is he here?
Gary:
No. Uh..he hasn’t shown up yet. Maybe his flight was delayed?
Brooklyn:
Yeah. Maybe. At least that’ll give me time to get this started.
Gary:
(His eyes transfixed on his horror movie) Yes, Mr. Chainsaw Man. I know now too, the sweet, sweet taste of victory. I know how you’re feeling right now. Like you, I’ve won.
Brooklyn:
(She enters, preoccupied with her nerves, and doesn’t notice her father on the couch. Nor does she seem to hear the disgusting sounds coming from the television set.) Let’s see…Snuffles is outside, Cinnamon is sleeping on the porch, Poof-Ball is locked in the upstairs bathroom…Whiffles is….Whiffles? Kitty? Kitty cat where are you? You know you can’t stay in the living room…Collin’s allergic….Ah. Now I remember. Whiffles is getting fixed at the vet….Thank God, it’s about time. 36 new kittens running around the neighborhood within just a year. That cat hasn’t been bored lately, that’s for sure.
Gary:
(Loud, chainsaw noises, or other horror movie attributes are heard, and Gary cheers for the villain) Alright! You tell ‘em buddy! Nobody had the right to mess with ‘ya, and they’re paying the price now! Aren’t they?! (Under his breath) Damn crazy kids…too ignorant these days…what the hell did they THINK would happen if they provoked a man with a chainsaw? Serves ‘em right…Teach ‘em a lesson, that’s what I say….They’ll think TWICE before pulling a stunt like THAT again, Ha Ha!
Brooklyn:
Dad…Collin will be here in about an hour….Dad? Come on…Dad? (Annoyed, she marches to the television and turns it off.) DAD!
Gary:
BLOODY…I WAS WATCHING THAT!
Brooklyn:
DAD…Collin will be here in about an hour. Remember? Is that how you want to look?
Gary:
Excuuuuuuuuuuuuuse me? (Looking down at his stained tank top and sweat pants.) What’s wrong with—?
Brooklyn:
You’re joking. Right? (She only receives a blank stare from Gary as a response) Dad, that’s the 6th time in a ROW this week that you’ve worn that! It’s disgusting! Look…you have food all over it! A starving nation could live for weeks off of the remains of just your shirt alone!
Gary:
My shirt is fine! You girls and all, changing your clothes 9 thousand times each day…Trying to push your way of life on us men….I prefer to get the best use out of MY clothes. It’s not dirty until you can smell it, or it starts moving on its own. That’s the motto I live by…
Brooklyn:
Please change before Collin gets here…won’t you Daddy? He’s already nervous and all meeting you for the first time. Looking like that, what kind of impression do you think you’ll give him?
Gary:
I don’t give a damn what impression he has of me. It’s my house, and I have the right to look anyway I want to…
Brooklyn:
(Seeing she’s fighting a losing battle, gives up) Alright. Fine. See if I care. (She marches up the stairs)
Gary:
(To himself, almost pleased that he won) That’s right. It’s my house, I can look how I want, and, well, practically do ANYTHING I want. (Pause) I don’t have to change myself for some loser guy who’s coming over… (Pause) I don’t have to change clothes for a jerk who’s trying to viciously steal my baby away from me….(Pause) Or try to impress someone who’s trying to manipulate my Brookie’s affection….(Pause, then slamming his hand down on the coffee table) I DON’T HAVE TO LOOK PRESENTABLE FOR A MORON WHO’S TRYING TO RUIN MY LIFE!!! BROOKLYN! BROOKLYN COME DOWN HERE!
Brooklyn:
(Appearing at the top of the stairs) Dad? What? What’s wrong?
Gary:
Honey…(Obviously trying to appear calm and rational, patting the seat by the couch beside him) Let’s have a quick talk; You and I.
Brooklyn:
(Confused) Is everything alright? (She comes down the stairs and sits next to her father)
Gary:
Now Honey, you know that I just want you to be happy. You know I want you to feel accepted, loved, and wanted….but you feel that already. Here; with your family. I know we’ve all been a little busy with our lives lately, so I understand if you don’t think that you’re loved enough. I
understand if you feel that you have to find love and affection elsewhere; and I can accept the fact that you have the desire to desert your family to achieve this somewhat lusty emotion. With all that said, I’ll let you go up to your room, and ponder the words that I’ve transferred to you from deep down in my soul. If this is what you really want, to strike a dagger of pain through your loving family’s hearts…then so be it. But ONLY if it makes you happy. That’s all I care about. Remember that.
Brooklyn:
(Somewhat amused) You’re…jealous, aren’t you Dad?
Gary:
(Extremely uncomfortable) No…
Brooklyn:
You ARE! You really are! Look, you’re blushing! (Placing her hand on top of his.) Dad, you know I love you. You’ll always have a special place with me always. No man is EVER going to take your place in my life. But I’ve known Collin for 5 years, and am truly in love with him. I’m not rushing into things. I really enjoy his company, and feel like he’s… the ONE.
Gary:
You’re too young.
Brooklyn:
I’m 4 years older than you were when you and Mom got together. Please Daddy. No man has ever meant this much to me….Ever. (Gary shifts uncomfortably) Except for you…of course. (She stands up to leave, and kisses the top of his head.) Collin won’t be here for at least another hour. You’ll really like him Daddy, I know you will. I have to stop down by the store to grab some groceries for tonight’s dinner. Mom was going to earlier, but she called not too long ago and she’s stuck in ANOTHER meeting again at work. I want to prepare something really nice for all of us so it’s special. I’ll be about 20 minutes tops. (She begins to exit out the front door) And before I go…change your shirt. It stinks to high heaven. You broke your own rule. (She exits)
(Gary seems unsure of what to do now he is left alone in the house. He tries watching television, reading a magazine, etc. but it all seems for awkward for him. The television is left on its horror movie program. After a short while, the doorbell rings. )
Gary:
(Startled) Who’s? Whuh? That can’t be…naw. That can’t be Collin… Not already! He’s not supposed to be here for a while yet! (Horror movie suspense music can still be heard from the television. Very suspiciously and cautiously, almost “Mission Impossible-like,” Gary approaches the door and peers out the peephole.) Huh. No one there…Except…if he’s hiding…trying to go for an ambush…Well I’ll prove him wrong. I’ll be ready. He’s already won over my daughter…deceiving snake…but he won’t take me with him! (He grabs a baseball bat from the closet, places his hand on the doorknob, and swings it open, ready for an attack. A small girl scout is scene at the door wearing a huge smile, and carrying a bag of cookies is waiting on the door.)
Girl Scout:
Hello Sir, My name is Mindy, and I’m selling cookies for—AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! (She bolts from the steps screaming hysterically)
Gary:
(Shutting the door) Bloody Girl Scout…trying to give a man a heart attack….No respect for her elders…if she knows what’s good for her she’ll stay away from MY house next time. I’m not giving her any money to support her camping…hiking…drug habits…or whatever the hell it is she ends up spending it on…
(Loud screaming now comes from the television, startling Gary, who grabs the remote to turn it off. Something catches his eye, and he cocks his head to one side, wanders over to the couch, and begins to watch again. Shortly, there is a knock at the door. Fuming, Gary storms over to the door, still holding the bat, and flings the door open.)
Gary:
(Waving the bat) LISTEN! I’M NOT INTERESTED IN YOUR DAMN COOKIES! DIDN’T YOU GET THE HINT THE FIRST TIME?! DIDN’T YOU?! YOU DRUG-ADDICTED LITTLE DEMON!!!!
(Collin is standing at the front doorstep, wide-eyed. Both stand there for a moment, staring at one another awkwardly.)
Collin:
(Extending his hand) Good evening…uh…sir. My name is Collin. I’m Brooklyn’s….fiancé. My plane arrived sooner than I thought. It’s a…pleasure…to meet you?
(Gary still continues his awkward stare, then abruptly slams the door shut in Collin’s face.)
Gary:
No…it can’t be! He’s…early? What is that supposed to mean?! What tricks does he have up his sleeve? Showing up an hour early…is he trying to prove he’s…BETTER than me? Is he trying to show me that he’ll show up whenever he damn well FEELS like it, and that I’m not the man and mighty ruler of my OWN house? I’ll show him…I’ll show him that I won’t stand for his…his…mutiny.
(Gary opens the door a crack, and stares out at Collin. Slowly, very slowly, he begins to open the door, making a loud creak.)
Collin:
Sir? I apologize if I’ve got the wrong home…I was sure I had the address right. (He double-checks a slip of paper he has with him)
Gary:
Come on boy…get in here.
Collin:
Do I have the right—?
Gary:
GET IN HERE BOY! I DON’T HAVE TIME TO STAND AND WAIT FOR YOU FOR WHENEVER YOU FEEL LIKE GRACING ME WITH YOUR PRESENCE IN MY OWN HOME!
Collin:
Sir, if it’s a bad time…I’m not quite sure if I—
Gary:
FINE. (Again, he slams the door.) So he’s playing defense…is he? Trying to put on a cute and innocent act to begin his attack…Well I’ll show him that I won’t fall for his Bambi-eyed tactics. If he wants a war…I’ll give it to him. Trying to outwit me…Ha Ha. Right. (Opens the door. Collin isn’t there. Gary shouts to Collin who is not seen.) Boy? Boy! BOY!!! Yeah. That’s right. You! Are you a COMPLETE idiot? Do you….YOU’RE THE ONLY ONE ON THE STREET! OF COURSE I’M TALKING TO YOU! …So you check behind you. Real bright. You’re off to a good start boy. A reeeeal good start. Yeah. I’m Brooklyn’s father. You gonna come in now? Yeah. That’s right. Take your time. Just mosey on over. According to you, I don’t have a life; and whatever life I do have is meant to be wasted…huh? Just come on….Wait…NO! STOP! WAIT! DON’T STEP ON—!!!!! OH NOOOOOOOO! (A high-pitched cat wail is heard, amongst cries from Gary: “Noooo! Snuffles! DAMMIT COLLIN!” Collin stumbles into view, his pant leg has a huge gash in it from Snuffles.)
Collin:
(Gasping, and clutching his leg) Sir…I’m sorry! It was just sleeping on the lawn! I didn’t see—
(Gary pushes past the bloody Collin and run into the yard. He is heard from offstage, amongst crying cat wails)
Gary:
Did that mean ol’ lunkhead step all over you? Did he? Yes, I know. Shhh. Shhhhh. You’re alright now. Daddy’s got you. Just calm down. You’re alright now. I’ll protect you. I’ll protect you from the evil cat crusher…that’s right. (More baby talk. Gary re-enters with a limp figure in his arms. It’s Snuffles. Not moving. At first, we are unsure if it is even alive, but its paw twitches slightly. Gary takes it down the hall, giving Collin a glare as he passes by, nursing the limp figure against his chest. He goes into a room, and comes back without Snuffles. Gary, glaring at Collin, takes his place on the couch, looking him over.)
You get kicks out of hurting things that are smaller than you…don’t ya? A nice change…huh?
Collin:
Sir, I apologize. I honestly didn’t see it! You were yelling at me, and I just…sorta…walked right into it.
Gary:
Uh-huh. More of trampled it.
(Still looking him over)
Collin:
Do you mind if I use your restroom? I seem to be bleeding pretty bad.
Gary:
(Coming over to “inspect”) Eh. It’s not too bad. (Menacingly, almost threateningly) One time, I broke a man’s jaw clean off his face. Blood spurted for miles.
(Collin doesn’t know what to say.)
Gary:
Well? Aren’t you gonna ask why I did it?
Collin:
Did what?
Gary:
Mutilated the man….go on. Ask!
Collin:
(Uneasy) Alright…uh…Why did you plow a man’s jaw off?
Gary:
(After a pause with his eyes narrowed) He tried to kill one of my cats.
Collin:
(Quickly) Uh, sir? Really, is there a bathroom nearby that I can just hurry into? I’m just gonna…uh, clean this up. If that’s alright with you….uh…sir
Gary:
(Pause. Eyes still narrowed) Down to hall, to your left
(Collin uneasily limps past Gary, and down the hall. Gary kneels down to examine the spot where Collin was standing)
Gary:
Blood. All over my carpet. Inconsiderate whiner! Almost kills Snuffles, vandalizes my home, and then asks to use my facilities? He’s slowly trying to take over alright…trying to make his mark…trying to establish the new leader of this house. Well, it’s not going to work. Not while I’m still alive…(Gary is still muttering as he begins to exit upstairs.) Wuss boy…thinks he can take over? Psh…Whiners never win….I’ll show him who rules here….
(There is a pause as we watch Gary retreat upstairs, unsure of his motives. Shortly after, the door down the hall opens, and Collin timidly steps out. His shin bandaged.)
Collin:
Sir? I hope you don’t mind…but I used some of your bandages. It wasn’t that big of a cut, but it was deep. Suppose I deserved it though…huh? (Laughs uneasily at himself) Are you still here? Sir?
Gary:
(From upstairs) I’m changing! I got something on my shirt…I think it’s some dirt that YOU dragged in the house. Thanks a lot. This was my favorite outfit too…I’ll be down in just a minute. DON’T touch anything.
(Collin uneasily makes his way to the couch. Sitting for a while, he picks up the television remote and turns it on. Blasting screaming noise shoot through the entire house. Terrified, he hurries and clicks it off)
Gary:
(Still from upstairs) Collin? What the HELL are you doing down there?!?! Can’t you just follow directions for five seconds? That’s it. I’m coming down. I’m almost done.
(The telephone rings, and Collin tenses up, wide-eyed. He lets it ring, afraid to touch anything. After several rings, Gary is heard from the top of the stairs.)
Gary:
Well Boy?! Are you going to get that? Or are you just going to prove I’m right by being 100% COMPLETELY worthless?!
(Collin begins to stand up to get it, but by the time he does, the answering machine has started)
Gary:
Let the machine get it now…
(Brooklyn’s voice is heard on the recorder, and Collin moves to grab the phone anyway. Gary, who seems to have eyes everywhere, calls out again.)
Gary:
I SAID LEAVE IT!
Brooklyn:
Hey Dad, It’s Brooklyn. I’m just calling to say that things are pretty crazy here at the store. I’ve got everything I needed, but there’s only one cashier, and five bazillion people in line. (We hear Brooklyn calling out to the line) Is there anyway we can hurry it up a little bit? I have things to do! Ah crap. You don’t have to get rid of your entire penny collection at this store!!! Bloody… (She gets back on the phone.) I’ll be home soon. Collin should be there within the next half hour…nothing will be done. I wish Mom would’ve let me know that she wouldn’t have been able to get anything sooner…this is going to be so chaotic…I’ll see you soon. Bye. (Again, we hear her calling out to the customers.) Are you serious?! THIS IS AN EXPRESS LANE!!! No, 5 cans of the same thing do not count as one item…are you completely brainless?! That’s it. I’m moving in front of all you losers. You don’t even DESERVE a place in line. What?! You think attacking me with that bread loaf is going to do anything? Well look at this….FROZEN STEAK! THAT’S RIGHT! THIS IS GOING TO HURT YOU A LOT MORE THAN YOUR BREAD WILL HURT ME… DIE YOU SON OF A—(The answering machine clicks off)
(Gary starts coming down the stairs. He is dressed completely different from when we’ve last seen him. He’s wearing dark shades, a “Bad to the Bone” T-Shirt, black leather jacket, and black leather pants. Collin is stunned.)
Gary:
I just thought I’d slip into something more comfortable after you ruined my other set of clothes. This is what I usually wear. I mean…what WE usually wear…in my big, buff-man biker group. We call ourselves the…uh….ummm….uh
Collin:
The what?
Gary:
I mean…the biker group….uh…the one that I’m in…we call ourselves, the… (really struggling now) We call ourselves…the...Big…Muscley…Biker…Buff Man…Group. (Pause. Then he adds) Of the World.
Collin:
(Slowly) Big…Muscley…
Gary:
(Cutting him off) I don’t expect you to understand it. Not many folk do. It’s more symbolism. Er..more of a spiritual name than anything else. (Collin begins to scratch at his leg) …Of the great…biker…uh….gods. What’s wrong boy?! Stop it! You’re getting dead skin cells all over my floor. Stop it!
Collin:
I’m so sorry…it’s…I thought Brooklyn would have told you…I’m allergic to cats. I think some hair got on my leg…it’s just really irritating.
Gary:
You just keep having to complain…don’t you?! You keep having to have problems with everything in my home…is that right?
Collin:
No….I….
Gary:
You go around, Mr. Bigshot, stealing my daughter. Fine. You come into my home, and bleed all over my floor. Fine. But you insult my Kitties? The TRUE loves of my life?! YOU CROSSED A LINE BOY!!!
Collin:
I’m sorry, I didn’t mean anything by it. No, I love this intense rash gnawing on my leg. It actually sort of…tickles.
Gary:
(Glaring) Alright then.
(They sit in uncomfortable silence for a while. Each fidgeting in turn.)
Collin:
So…uh…how many cats DO you have? I saw quite a few out on the lawn. They all yours?
Gary:
Yeah.
Collin:
Huh. That’s why I missed the one I stepped on. I was trying to avoid 6 others.
Gary:
Is this your idea of a conversation starter? Or are you a blameshifter? Are you blameshifting?! ARE YOU PUTTING YOUR OWN STUPID LOW-QUALITY LOCOMOTION SKILLS ON MY SHOULDERS?!
Collin:
No, no. I assure you, it was a conversation starter. (Silence) How many exactly DO you have?
Gary:
13
Collin:
Wow. Are you…serious? That’s insane.
Gary:
Yeah, I would have liked to have more, but Dawn put a limit on it after rats started showin’ up everywhere without their heads. After she found one on her pillow late at night, she drew the line.
(Pause)
Yep. Got them back in the day when I was still livin’ alone. A bachelor. Didn’t need no one else but my kitties. They were the first loves of my life. Still are. While other men my age were goin’ out on dates, heading to parties, and getting drunk, I would stay at home… (His tone grows softer) All I needed was a piece of string and my cats. The way they would bat at it…the way they would nestle against my shoulder when I feel asleep…the way they trusted me so…(He stops short)Ahem. Course, back in the day, cats were very manly…..umm…the number of cats you had showed off how…uh…manly you were. Manly…I was pretty tough to beat back then. I had my Muscle-Man Biker Group of the World, and a whole lot-a cats. I was the equivalent to a Greek GOD back in my day. Oh yeah. The memories. The manly memories. Let me get some of my favorites…
Collin:
Of your cats? Sir…I apologize, but I’m so allergic to your animals, that I really would opt NOT to see them. (Gary can only glare at Collin) Fine. I’ll see them. I’d like to see them. (More glares) Alright, I’d LOVE to see them.
Gary:
(Almost like an excited schoolboy) You and I might get along better than I thought boy….Wait here…Just a sec…(Gary gets up, and searches the rooms of the house, still calling over to Collin) Brooklyn locked ‘em all away for when you came. ‘Didn’t want ya catching a reaction’ she said…Psh. What do girls know…huh? (Collin smiles weakly as Gary opens a basement door.) Ah. Here’s one…This here’s Carnivore. He’s never been the friendly type…but I’m sure you and he will hit it right off…Come here! Collin, he’s not the one to come out and greet strangers….you have to make at least some SORT of effort. Come here!
(Collin slowly gets up, and joins Gary at the closet door, of which we can only see a black opening.)
Collin:
Sir, this isn’t the best idea…I don’t get along with cats….
Gary:
Ah come on…Carnivore wouldn’t hurt a fly. See? There he is. In that corner…by the stair rail. Do you see him? See his eyes glowin’ at ya? That means he likes you. Go on. Pet his fur. I ain’t gonna turn on no lights. It’ll scare him.
(Collin slowly enters the black closet with a pained look on his face. We hear a violent hissing. Gary shouts: “No Collin! Don’t step there! That’s his tail! DAMMIT COLLIN!!!” A bloodcurdling scream is heard along with the scratching, hissing, and yowling of the cat. The sound of a body thumping down a long flight of stairs is heard. Silence. Gary runs from the closet, shutting the door, resting his back against it breathing heavy. He crosses over, and for a moment we think he’s going to call an ambulance. But he passes the phone, and flops down on the couch. He casually flips on the television with a slight grin on his face. Horror movie sounds fill the room. Moments later, Brooklyn storms in through the door, covered in food from a recent “fight.” She runs past Gary into the kitchen.)
Brooklyn:
Dad, you haven’t heard from Collin have you? Is he here?
Gary:
No. Uh..he hasn’t shown up yet. Maybe his flight was delayed?
Brooklyn:
Yeah. Maybe. At least that’ll give me time to get this started.
Gary:
(His eyes transfixed on his horror movie) Yes, Mr. Chainsaw Man. I know now too, the sweet, sweet taste of victory. I know how you’re feeling right now. Like you, I’ve won.
Friendship Story (Full of Inside Jokes)
This is the life and times of Morgan and Melissa, more commonly known as MeliMorg.
They met one glorious Summer during a wonderful production of Grease. Many people did not accept Melissa, but Morgan seemed to tolerate her fairly well. However, everyone found that Melissa had exceptional talent with a "fog machine." She would create misty effects, and it would look like steam would rise from nowhere. Until this day, no one EVER knew the mystery of the "Beauty Schol Dropout" Kick-ass special effects. Morgan admired Melissa's extreme talent, and how she handled the smoke machine so well.
In fact, Morgan was so envious of Melissa's skill that she came to Tuacahn to learn from this great "master." From this grew a friendship and bond so strong.
The beginning of the year was filled with joy, glee, and fun movie nights.
Like the time Melissa and her wonderful friend Trevor came to Morgan's humble abode for a motion picture session, and decided on the movie "May." This movie was so disturbing that they turned to each other for mental support, and the bond was only strengthened.
Things were still bright and happy for the two friends, and they took a journey down to Cedar City to watch a production filled with Christmas Joy and Wonder. There was a backdrop filled with sparkly lights that filled Melissa with awe, for she had such a strong connection to technical theatre "magic tricks." Trying to share her enthusiasm, Melissa kept clutching on to Morgan, "Look, do you see? DO YOU SEE? DAMNIT MORGAN! LOOK AT THE SPARKLES!"
Morgan did not seem to share the same glee, but then again, tables were turned on the drive home when Morgan experienced her first snowfall. Wyoming girl Melissa was not impressed with the measly amount of snowflakes falling from the sky, but at least PRETENDED to be happy for her glorious friend. Something that Morgan didn't do for Melissa at the Christmas Production. (There's no bitter feelings there though, of course.) They stopped at a rest stop so Melissa could take a picture of Morgan in her first snowfall. However, Melissa's honey-mustard sauce she had previously left on the dashboard ruined the shot. Oops.
However, days and months past, and Morgan and Melissa were dealing with so many people who kept driving them insane. Slowly, they both began to lose the urge to live. Their life forces were being sucked out, and they had given up on life.
The fact that they both felt similar feelings of intense hatred towards the world still connected them even further. At least they both knew that they could no longer live anymore, and that they were to be buried together...in one tomb, and would find each other in a hundred lifetimes after the world exploded, and they would be the only 2 people left, along with 10 or so hot, studly Chipendale men for breeding purposes, and who would live in caves so they would not bother Melissa and Morgan who would reign together in the world above.
The End.
They met one glorious Summer during a wonderful production of Grease. Many people did not accept Melissa, but Morgan seemed to tolerate her fairly well. However, everyone found that Melissa had exceptional talent with a "fog machine." She would create misty effects, and it would look like steam would rise from nowhere. Until this day, no one EVER knew the mystery of the "Beauty Schol Dropout" Kick-ass special effects. Morgan admired Melissa's extreme talent, and how she handled the smoke machine so well.
In fact, Morgan was so envious of Melissa's skill that she came to Tuacahn to learn from this great "master." From this grew a friendship and bond so strong.
The beginning of the year was filled with joy, glee, and fun movie nights.
Like the time Melissa and her wonderful friend Trevor came to Morgan's humble abode for a motion picture session, and decided on the movie "May." This movie was so disturbing that they turned to each other for mental support, and the bond was only strengthened.
Things were still bright and happy for the two friends, and they took a journey down to Cedar City to watch a production filled with Christmas Joy and Wonder. There was a backdrop filled with sparkly lights that filled Melissa with awe, for she had such a strong connection to technical theatre "magic tricks." Trying to share her enthusiasm, Melissa kept clutching on to Morgan, "Look, do you see? DO YOU SEE? DAMNIT MORGAN! LOOK AT THE SPARKLES!"
Morgan did not seem to share the same glee, but then again, tables were turned on the drive home when Morgan experienced her first snowfall. Wyoming girl Melissa was not impressed with the measly amount of snowflakes falling from the sky, but at least PRETENDED to be happy for her glorious friend. Something that Morgan didn't do for Melissa at the Christmas Production. (There's no bitter feelings there though, of course.) They stopped at a rest stop so Melissa could take a picture of Morgan in her first snowfall. However, Melissa's honey-mustard sauce she had previously left on the dashboard ruined the shot. Oops.
However, days and months past, and Morgan and Melissa were dealing with so many people who kept driving them insane. Slowly, they both began to lose the urge to live. Their life forces were being sucked out, and they had given up on life.
The fact that they both felt similar feelings of intense hatred towards the world still connected them even further. At least they both knew that they could no longer live anymore, and that they were to be buried together...in one tomb, and would find each other in a hundred lifetimes after the world exploded, and they would be the only 2 people left, along with 10 or so hot, studly Chipendale men for breeding purposes, and who would live in caves so they would not bother Melissa and Morgan who would reign together in the world above.
The End.
Auabduwali: A Middle Eastern Musical Synopsis
Auabduwali
Set in the mountainous region of Lebanon, Auabduwali and his family enjoyed a calm, peaceful life in a hut by the Mediterranean Sea. Auabduwali is content with the simple life he and his family live, and is overjoyed at the approaching date of his sister Bahija’s wedding ceremony to wealthy Fuwaad. In a joyous praise, Auabduwali opens the show by singing to Allah his overwhelming thankfulness regarding the wellbeing of his family (Praise Allah) in which he is joined by the members of his family, preparing for the ecstatic day in which is sister will be united with another. Their exuberance, however, is soon cut short after they hear about the appalling Lebanon War, in which Auabduwali’s father, Jawara, is sent to aid in the fight. Auabduwali is eager to help win the war, but Jawara forbids him to go, and explains to Auabduwali that he is too inexperienced to fight in the war, and that he must stay and be the protector of his family and hut, (Too Young to Blow Up An Israelite.)
Set in the mountainous region of Lebanon, Auabduwali and his family enjoyed a calm, peaceful life in a hut by the Mediterranean Sea. Auabduwali is content with the simple life he and his family live, and is overjoyed at the approaching date of his sister Bahija’s wedding ceremony to wealthy Fuwaad. In a joyous praise, Auabduwali opens the show by singing to Allah his overwhelming thankfulness regarding the wellbeing of his family (Praise Allah) in which he is joined by the members of his family, preparing for the ecstatic day in which is sister will be united with another. Their exuberance, however, is soon cut short after they hear about the appalling Lebanon War, in which Auabduwali’s father, Jawara, is sent to aid in the fight. Auabduwali is eager to help win the war, but Jawara forbids him to go, and explains to Auabduwali that he is too inexperienced to fight in the war, and that he must stay and be the protector of his family and hut, (Too Young to Blow Up An Israelite.)
After his father’s departure, Auabduwali fulfills his manly duties at the hut, but soon grows restless with thoughts of the ongoing war. Auabduwali still wishes to join Jawara at his side, and refuses to pay attention to chores or his family, distracted by thoughts of battle. Day after day, Auabduwali can think of nothing else, and finds himself at the sea’s edge, gazing into the horizon (If I Only Had a Hand Grenade.) After his thoughts, Auabduwali realizes that he has been gone far too long from his hut, and rushes back. However, when he reaches home, he finds that the tiny hut had been ransacked by the Israelites, and his family’s torn remains scattered across the living area. Torn with anguish, and filled with guilt for not being around during the attack, Auabduwali vows that he will have revenge (If I Have to Rip Apart a Thousand Men) As he filters through the wreckage, his hatred and his need for revenge only grow, as he realizes he has nothing left, and realizes what his future along will hold, (All Alone by the Sea.)
Inspecting the area around his hut, he finds his faithful pet donkey Shabaka grazing close by. Crying with joy, Auabduwali runs toward the animal, grateful that something of importance to him is still left in the world. Auabduwali, along with his trusty donkey friend, sets of for Israel to aid his father now that there is nothing else to live for. Though the journey is long and tiring, Auabduwali is thankful for his donkey companion, who helps keep his spirits up. (My Inspiration, My Love, My Donkey.) The first act ends when Auabduwali stumbles across a humble Lebanon family, who is distressed to see Auabduwali and his current state.
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The second act opens with Auabduwali who has recuperated very well at the humble Lebanon family’s home, and is now telling them of his horrifying past, (My Family in a Million Pieces.) Thanking them for the hospitality, Auabduwali tells them that his must go find his father so that he may aid in the war. Mounting Shabaka, Auabduwali rides off into the horizon, waving to his new friends. Soon, he reaches the Lebonan war camp. Desperately, he hunts through the many wounded soldiers, scouting out his father. He pleads with everyone about the whereabouts of his father Jawara, but no one seems to acknowledge his existence. Torn with grief, and frustration rising, Auabduwali lashes out at the men, begging them to tell him anything about his missing father; at least if he was even alive or dead. (Allah, Aid Me in My Search for Jawara.) Finally, a lone, wise, elderly Lebanion approaches Auabduwali with a gentle, but firm tone. He tells Auabduwali to turn around, go home. Putting up a fight, Auabduwali refuses to move until he hears about the whereabouts of his father. Giving in, the old man lays the awful truth on the young boy. He explains that he once knew Jawara, but he was a traitor. He is not the man his son thought he was, (Your Father is Half-Israelite) and that Jawara did not flee to aid the Lebonans, but to aid the other side. Filled with horror, Auabduwali cannot even begin to comprehend the rush of emotions he is feeling, (What is There to Live For?)
Blinded by rage and confusion, Auabduwali tears across the area, while the Isralites began to fire on the Lebonan camp. In a series of explosions, the entire camp is hit hard, and the blow is a fatal one. Slammed to the ground, Auabduwali looks to the heavens for guidance. Lost, confused, and alone, Auabduwali, in one final breath, prays to Allah for strength. (Allah, Take Me Home.)
Santa: An In-Depth Look
Who is Santa? Why does he do the things he does? Does he really exist? Yes, those are the questions concerning most youth in this country. The truth is that Santa was just some parent’s way of making their children behave. Sure, there are good parenting skills like: Breaking down in front of your children, begging and pleading with them, and just plain using the belt. Or, you can try the harder way: Teaching them honesty and loyalty, taking away privileges, and/or trying to throw some good morals on them, which just doesn’t seem to work. But nothing has ever worked as well as the good, old-fashioned: Bribery.
Many children have looked to the skies with excitement on Christmas Eve, because they have been “good.” While, in theory, they were extreme little demons who crashed everything in your entire household except for the priceless fruitcake which just wouldn’t break, even when smashed against the window. But as soon as the month of December comes out, the angel shines through, the Christmas List Novel comes out, and they are finally helping around the house with chores such as vacuuming the windows, sending the dog through the washer, and cleaning your favorite black leather jacket with gallons of bleach. Yes, the good in every child shimmers through that month. You take them to see Santa, and wait patiently while he/she announces that they had never did anything wrong in their life, always listened to Mommy, and swore that they had no idea how Daddy’s wallet got into the garbage disposal while the switch just happened to be on.
Christmas Day finally comes, the presents are unwrapped, and in just 30 minutes are strewn across the floor while you try to grab a cup of coffee without breaking your neck. The children then are grabbing and wringing each other’s necks again, and the help they promised you suddenly becomes void. Yes, in truth, Santa is a way to let you have one month off a year. To let your kids become half way decent in hope of a great Christmas. There are good parenting skills and bad ones.
You decide.
Many children have looked to the skies with excitement on Christmas Eve, because they have been “good.” While, in theory, they were extreme little demons who crashed everything in your entire household except for the priceless fruitcake which just wouldn’t break, even when smashed against the window. But as soon as the month of December comes out, the angel shines through, the Christmas List Novel comes out, and they are finally helping around the house with chores such as vacuuming the windows, sending the dog through the washer, and cleaning your favorite black leather jacket with gallons of bleach. Yes, the good in every child shimmers through that month. You take them to see Santa, and wait patiently while he/she announces that they had never did anything wrong in their life, always listened to Mommy, and swore that they had no idea how Daddy’s wallet got into the garbage disposal while the switch just happened to be on.
Christmas Day finally comes, the presents are unwrapped, and in just 30 minutes are strewn across the floor while you try to grab a cup of coffee without breaking your neck. The children then are grabbing and wringing each other’s necks again, and the help they promised you suddenly becomes void. Yes, in truth, Santa is a way to let you have one month off a year. To let your kids become half way decent in hope of a great Christmas. There are good parenting skills and bad ones.
You decide.
The Telemarkter's Worst Nightmare
Yes, I am proud to announce, this is me.
I once took sympathy on these people, because I, myself, have been in this position and it annoyed the hell out of me when people would screw with me. So, for a while, when I received a call from these friendly, monotone-speaking people, I would give them words of encouragement and hang up.
Yesterday, I just couldn't help myself. I was speaking to a man who sounded very attractive. He wanted to know if I was interested in a discount card and I said that I was. He went on a speech for a VERY long time. I think he was speaking very quickly for about 5 minutes. He asked me if that was correct, and I told him that I was sorry, but I wasn't paying attention. He started over. I kept interupting him with "How the weather was" over there, and he got a bit angry with me. He kept asking me to confirm that I was interested, I would follow through with this, and that I would apply for this card. I sounded very distracted, telling him "Sure, fine, whatever..."
I then, throughout his speech, began to hum. I hummed the entire time, until I was asked to confirm, which I said, Fine, Whatever...
Then, for the final touch, I must have been on the phone for 20 minutes.... He was beginning to tell me thank you for my time, and that he just had one final question to ask me. I interupted: Oh...I'm sorry, did you need someone who lived here? I'm just visiting...*Humming continues* There is a long, awkward silence. You see, in this business, you could get in alot of trouble for hanging up on the "customer". He then, very angrily told me I wasn't "Right in the head" and that he'll call back at a later time.
I should get his ass fired. I mean...the NERVE of that guy! Here I am, trying to do the best I can do....and he pulls a stunt like that.
Ah well. What goes around comes around I guess. Maybe he'll get hit by a car.
I noticed that whenever I begin to find the motivation to take calls from telemarketers, there seem to be less and less of them.
Maybe my calls make them feel fulfilled and they strive for a better career. I'm a role model!
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